Monday, January 02, 2006

10 RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTERS

Dear Sage, I still can't stop myself from laughing after reading this forwarded email from a friend. I'm sure you'll find it funny too... In case you won't, here's one word I wish will never lose its meaning even after so many years: "CHILL-OUT."

Anyway, someday, if not during your teenage years maybe later on in your 30's, you WILL find this post amusing. Trust me...

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

9. Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.The Surgeon General has determined that violation of any of the above ten rules can be hazardous to your health and in laboratory test has resulted in DEATH

8 comments:

CL said...

Oh my! TK, I LOVEEEEEE LOVEEE this post. Excellent.

You are more lenient than my dad hahaha.

Dad only got one rule --- NO DATING!

And I got one rule for my son, "Dating spoils the fun prior to marriage" ;)

maryet said...

Hahaha,kinda reminds me of a tv sitcom with the same title.:D

BTW...Do you think you'll be enforcing your set of rules for dating when the time comes? Just asking. :D

TK said...

CL,"You are more lenient than my dad"

Hey, it's my liberal roots.

Maryet, "when the time comes?..." Nah. I just want to freak them out a bit with this post. I will, however, encourage them to take up either Practical shooting or kickboxing as a serious sport. And will give the greenlight should they want to keep very, very large pitbulls around the house (the kind that will lock its jaws on a man's neck when given the signal.)

bing said...

hilarious, tk! would email it to my daughter... uhmm, i love #4 the best!

Screwed-Up AKA SnglGuy said...

Ummm,Oh boy...Those guys better watch out!This early,the father is already preparing the do's and dont's for dating his daughters. A little bit anxious are we? LOL! :D

CL said...

Yah mom and dad are both quite conservative, in fact all my aunts too. I turned out to be half and half hahhahaha.

I constantly advice my son that it’s natural to admire a pretty lady (if she is ever a lady at all) but to actually get into a relationship as such dating at his age (17) might restrict all the fun that he needs to be exploring and enjoying --- with his friends, his cello and guitar lessons, his kung fu classes, and sports activities in which he is very active in several of them. I keep him pretty busy by encouraging and supporting him. He’d approach us about wanting to join so and so club, I am for it.

Teens don’t handle breakups too well. When they are deeply hurt, they do the craziest things you can imagine. They will look for an outlet, more often self destructive. Teens are usually sexually inclined and their hormones are at its peak. When a man and woman are left alone, the chemistry of these two elements ignites into fire. Temptation is irresistible.

My son talks to me about some girls at school or some that he would meet at parties he attended even shows me captured photos on his cell phone. He never really talked about being interested with any of them or has yet introduced one to us.

I told him that if he truly loves a girl/woman then he should propose marriage making sure that the feeling is mutual. I don’t mind my son marrying at an early age – I support marriage, I don’t support dating, fooling (pre-marital sex) around and under an extenuating circumstances in a relationship, I do support divorce. Of course, I have told him the implications of marrying younger and he understood this quite well.

The final piece, I told him that the best time to look for a fiancée, get engaged (getting to know her through family get together) is when he has a stable career and financially secure. He will have more options in finding a woman that is suitable. Family dating is the best rather than leaving them dating alone. They are not only getting to know each other but also getting to know their future in-laws and what it would be like to be a member of the family.

We as parents can spread all the rules we want on the table but if a friendly communication is lacking between kids and parents – Don’t count on these rules to be effective. Teens will do things behind your back and that’s not a cool surprise.

Ronald Allan said...

I especially love #3 and #4. :-) "barrier method" :-) funny man. :-)

meigh said...

i would have loved if my dad gave these rules to my suitors too =]

Letters to my kids about their childhood adventures



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